What the heck?

Well damn.

2005-10-03T02:40:00.000-05:00

The weekend went too fast. As usual. DH works too much. Okay--not too much just odd hours. To anyone reading this who watches their local late news shows...appreciate the anchors. They usually wake up just in time to go get the shows together and get home just in time to go to bed. Hard to keep a functioning family when you live like that.

Anyway--no more 'big brawls' after the Saturday incident. After DH came home (ran errands with the baby in tow HA HA) I fled. Ran like the wind. Didn't look back. I went and had my hair and nails done. I had almost 6" cut off of my hair...it looked really cute when I left the salon, but now I'm starting to see that unless I pay her $15 a day to fix it for me...I'm screwed. Oh well. I've been wearing a hat almost daily since I was 9 anyway. I tried to wean myself this last month and did pretty well for a few days--what are a few more?

I had an interesting conversation with John again today. It seems that he's in another one of those, "I'm 27 and work at Wendy's" moods again. He's been there since he was old enough to have a work permit, so to me it's part of who he is. Amazingly the boy makes damn good money...yet, he still lives at home with his parents. Granted his dad is a violent drunk and his mom isn't but a tiny little thing (well, short...not tiny) and I know he's only there to keep her safe. He has never come out and said so, but I've been there when his dad has been in a violent stupor and saw how fast John moved to get to his mom before his dad did. In the 14 years I have known him I had never seen him that upset or move that quickly. ::sigh:: He deals with that shit every damn day. Anyway--we got to talking about missed opportunities. It scared me a bit when he brought it up because I really didn't want to delve into the whole, "No John, it was my fault...all my fault. I'm the one who screwed up." conversation that usually stems from a comment like he made. Apparently some 'producer' has offered one of the bands he is in a 'weekend -big money-' set of gigs. John's trying to figure out if he should take a demotion at work so that he can have weekends off for these 'big money' gigs or if he should get a new job altogether. I was literally begging him to get off his ass and go back to school. He never went to college...not even a trade school. I don't want him to screw up like I did. I don't want him to have a child one day and think that his child will someday be more educated than he is. He gave me the old song and dance about not having any money to go to college (he doesn't pay rent...his car is paid for...he makes good money, like I said...where is his money going?!) and that he isn't sure what he wants to do other than play drums. Oy vei. If *I* was in his situation--you wouldn't be able to hold me back long enough to keep me from enrolling in school. Money or not, I would find a damn way. Had I known when I decided I was ready to start trying for a baby that my not going to college would depress me so much once the baby was born...I would have waited. Our baby was VERY planned and VERY VERY wanted...but, if I had my 'druthers'....I'druther have finished my education.

Oh well. Just another reason why I want...need...to get back to Ohio so badly. I need to be able to put my arms around him and let him know that things will turn out the way they're supposed to.

Another great start to a great weekend.

2005-10-01T11:19:00.000-05:00

My ass.
DH and I seem to never get along on weekends. I.E. the only time he's actually home.
This week's saga: DH forgot his check at the station Friday night and needs to have it cashed Saturday morning. DH and I agree that we will trade turns of who gets up with the baby so that DH doesn't have to wake up on his day to sleep in. Part of the agreement was also that he would wake me up when he left so that he didn't have to take the baby.

Here's where, apparently, I become a complete bitch. Ready?

After our little 'tift' last night about sex DH decided to play his PS2 rather than talk to me. No biggie..I went into the computer room and watched television. At some point in time he came in to say that he was finished with his game. I was already 1/2 way through a DVD and didn't want to take it out to the living room, set it up again, and finish watching it with someone who was being a jackass. So DH went to bed without telling me. 10 years. 10 years and I can count on one hand how many times he has gone to bed when we've been in the same abode and he hasn't kissed me goodnight. I was pissed. I finally crawled into bed at a little after 5A. Well--more like tried to crawl into bed but the baby and DH were taking up so much room that I ended up on the couch before my head even hit the pillow. Last I saw the clock it was creeping up on 6A. Around 8:30 the baby came out and brought me back to bed so that he could get some nummage (nurse) and when he finally decided to wake up and start his day DH threw a fit about waking up. Bastard. He finally got out of bed and not even ten minutes later I was up and screaming at him to find my Tums. You see, I have Barrett's Esophagus. I live in constant heartburn hell and when it gets really bad the only thing I can think of is, "Crap. There go more stomach cells into my esophagus and another EGD is on the way! Yipp-ee-woo-hoo." Last week DH thought he would be cute and reorganize the medicine cabinet. I told him to keep my medicines where I could get to them quickly and easily. Did he? No. Instead he put them about 6' up on the top shelf. Not such a great thing for me when I'm only 5'5" and shrinking. He was on the couch while I was trying to find the damn bottle and when I asked where he put it the asshole said, "Right there!" ohh...right there! Duh, what was I thinking?! Bastard. I was in pain. I was tired. I was pissed at him. I yelled....loudly. I said something to the effect of 'you moved them you get your ass over here and find them for me'...I shouldn't have cursed in front of the baby since he's a little parrot...but, I was in some major pain. Finally he got them for me and I went back to bed. I have no idea how much longer I was there before he came in waking me up telling me it was time for him to go do his errands. I thought for a second and said, "Take him with you." You see, DH never has to take the baby anywhere by himself other than the gym. Even then--he knows that at the gym he can put the baby in the kid's gym and get an hour or two of alone time. Meanwhile the baby goes everywhere with me. Everywhere. I've chased him through the bank, I've chased him through the station...it's time for DH to have a go at it. Fuck him. He's a father and should act like one.

Needless to say--that didn't go over well. What esp. didn't go over well was when I said 'f*ck' and DH told me to not say those words in front of the baby to which I replied, "If there is anyone who should know what to say/what not to say in front of him it's me. I'm the one with him all the time. I'm the one who knows what he says and what he picks up on." Oooooops. It's partially true---I mean, DH is always either at work, asleep, or playing golf. He has 6 hours, tops, with the baby during the week while I have...oh...I dunno...120? I don't think one "F-Bomb" is going to scar the child for life. He's survived 2y4m2w with me already; if one word screws all that up then I think we need to find him some help.

Was I antagonizing DH a bit? Probably. Did it really piss me off that he practically refused to take his son on an errand with him...esp. when he sees nothing wrong with asking me to do the same several times a week? Hell yes.

I swear DH and I can't have one full day together w/o a fight. Last weekend we were supposed to celebrate our anniversaries...10 years together, 4 years married...but we didn't. Why? Football games. Watching football was more important to him. He did bring me four roses on our actual wedding anniversary....but it's hard to think of that as sweet when I know he only did it because he knew I would throw a fit if he didn't. He has this "thing" about not celebrating things. He thinks it's cute to tell me at midnight on whatever 'holiday', "Hey--happy (insert event)!" and be done with it. Not cute. Not funny. I was in labor for 18 hours with YOUR child. The least you can do is get me a fucking card sometime! Bastard.

Eh.

2005-10-01T02:36:00.000-05:00

I just made my second--well, third, "guy necklace". Apparently I'm an idiot and when I sent the tester to John I sent it in a regular envelope instead of padded. Wooden beads in a non-padded envie? Not good. He made me extremely happy when he said he really liked it though. :) John is not one to hand out compliments, so I took it and r-a-n.

I made him a replacement and then one for the site. www.mybeadedbliss.com For those interested is my very own business venture. I like it. It's fun. It brings in a little extra spending money. Too bad I always spend it at the bead store.

DH is probably mad that I'm in here (computer room) rather than out there (living room) with him. I know what he wants. Obviously. Considering he was on the couch in his birthday suit when I came out from nursing the baby --okay, so he's almot 2 and a half-- to sleep. Right--like I realllllly wanted to see that, or do what he was suggesting, right after nursing the munchkin.

I've been thinking of John too much lately. Add that to the fact that I really want to go 'home' doesn't help much at all. He's the main reason I want to go home as it is! None of my other friends are even there anymore. The last one just moved away two months ago. John's the sole survivor I guess. Wait--Penny and Phil are still there. Phil's gay and Penny is a masochist. Interesting coffee with them, lemme tell ya! Oh yeah, Mike's still there too but he has a girlfriend now...so no more funny business with him. Aside from all of that, going home means I have extra hands to help take care of the munchkin. IOW--Momma gets a break that she isn't used to. I also get spoiled rotten by the parental units when I'm home. How sad is it that I am willing to drive 8+ hours just for a HUG. Sure I can get one here from my DH at any point in time...but John hugs are like nothing else in this world. The only thing I enjoy more is time with my baby. Sad. Sad. Sad.

There--maybe now you have an understanding of who I am and what I'm about. I'm crazy. Have the Zoloft Rx to prove it. Overall I'm a bored housewife who needs time away from everyone and everything after spending 3+ years doing for everyone but myself.

Let's see...

2005-10-01T02:13:00.000-05:00

Just trying to get the hang of this new fangled thing called a 'blog'. I'm used to using a 'journal', so this is uncharted territory for me.
I guess eventually this will be my safe haven. I have a lot to say--I just don't want the people involved to read it. Make sense? Good. Don't get used to it though because half the time I don't even know what I'm saying.

Give me time...I'm sure this will be a fun place to hang out.